I had a rough morning. Being a parent is hard. Especially when it puts you face to face with the way you treated your own parents. I found myself pitting hurt and grief against guilt and regret and it sucked. I tried to run through it and that helped, but at the end of the day it was the same. I fear my relationship with Robin will end the way my relationship with my mom did, and that rips me to the core. How on earth do you deal with these enormous emotions and still parent your kids?
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December 15
I opted not to go out for this morning’s run due to the cold temperatures and high wind, and I’m glad. Instead I spent the day working on next year’s family calendar – an annual tradition since 2008! I also managed to go food shopping, do laundry, and make meatball subs for dinner. We’ll get the rest of our Christmas lights up at some point. Maybe.
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December 14
We went to see The Nutcracker today, which almost didn’t happen because I bought tickets to something called “The Nutcracker and Sorcerer’s Apprentice” instead. We only found out by accident because a commercial for The Nutcracker came on TV and it said it was this weekend, not next weekend like the tickets I bought. Upon closer investigation, I saw that what I bought were tickets to an orchestral performance of selections from The Nutcracker, along with some other classical pieces. And they cost FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE than The Nutcracker tickets I wanted. I was completely devastated and cried for almost half an hour, but finally decided to go ahead and get the tickets I wanted for this weekend, and now I guess we’re going to the symphony next weekend too. It’ll be good for the kids to get some culture. Anyway, today’s performance was a lot of fun, and I cried again because I was so grateful that we got to go. ‘Tis the season not to read the bold type in the performance description that says, “THIS IS NOT THE BALLET.”
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December 13
I have not been sleeping well for about a week now, and it’s starting to show up in what I have to give to the day. This morning’s run was much harder than it should have been, and it took me hours to recover. I had planned to put up the outside Christmas lights, but all I could manage was plugging in the inflatable flamingo we bought this year and a string of lights along the walkway. I did also put out our Santa and reindeer flamingo set and the Christmas lawn flag, so at least there’s something. We’ll get to the rest… eventually.
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December 12
Went out to dinner with some friends from cheer. It’s kind of awesome that I made more friends than Robin did at cheer. I mean, not really; the fact that Robin didn’t make any lasting friendships really speaks volumes about the toxic environment at that gym, but it’s nice someone got something out of it. They are such great people and I’m so glad we got to know each other.
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December 11
I have resorted to a mashup of ChatGPT translations and Magic 8 Ball responses to questions I am asked every day. It’s surprisingly satisfying. My favorite response so far is, “Concentrate and ask again.” This is in no way to say that I am better than these asinine and convoluted questions, but let’s face it. I am. Ask the Magic 8 Ball and it will tell you: “It is certain.”
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December 10
I am teetering on the edge of being too productive this week. It’s not good to set these precedents. I have a good reason to back off, too, because I have not been sleeping well for a few nights now. I wake up into a half-sleep around 3 or 4am, stuck in a dream where I’m trying to solve an unsolvable problem. And it’s hard enough to try to do that when you’re awake… doing it while you’re sleeping is exhausting! I’m trying to figure out what it is in my life that’s making me feel stuck like this. It probably has more to do with the fact that I DON’T have a problem to solve right now that my mind is inventing things for me to solve in my sleep. I’m lacking inspiration and motivation in general, which is only exacerbated by my lack of sleep. So let’s see what happens tonight. If I can get some rest, maybe I can come up with something more fun to keep my mind occupied.
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December 9
The basketball games tonight showed improvement. The girls still only scored one basket, but that’s one basket more than their last game! And the boys only lost by 15. The sportsmanship of the other teams was much better than the first night, and I appreciated that. It’s a little unfair really, because our school is so small that even if half of all middle schoolers were playing on the basketball teams, we’d still have fewer players than the other, bigger schools. So honestly in the scheme of things, they’re doing ok. I mean, they’re not good, but at least there’s a good reason.
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December 8
There comes a point where being productive becomes counterproductive, and I hit that point today. It’s ok, though, because I am excellent at inventing distractions. Honestly, though, it was a pretty quiet day, and those are nice too. I am without a project or pastime at the moment, so have spent most of my free time on the couch trying, not too successfully, not to be bored by what’s on TV. Luckily we have Christmas to keep us occupied. We do have a really big tree to look at.
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December 7
We got our biggest Christmas tree ever today, literally the first one we saw. It touches the ceiling, but it’s nice because there was actually room for all our ornaments. Only one broke this year… seems every year we lose at least one. Now it feels like Christmas.
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December 6
It was a chilly, damp evening for a dance performance, but Christina rocked it at Deck the Chairs. I’d never been there before and it was pretty fun. Watching her dance never gets old. I told Robin to bring a jacket, but she didn’t listen and of course ended up wearing mine. Perfect for Christmas, if you ask me.
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December 5
Today was not quite as exciting as yesterday, but I finally managed to get my prescription this morning and it has changed my whole life. Christina had a long night of dance, so we stopped and got Chili’s on the way home for a late dinner. Chili’s is basically dead to me because they used to have the best cheeseburgers, but I guess someone must have sued them for undercooking them because now the only option is to get them burnt to a crisp. I mean that actually literally, too. They crunch when you bite into them. Burgers should not be crunchy. And it is not a one-time thing, either. The last five or six burgers I’ve ordered have all been the same and the waitress I asked about it even said that it’s stupid that they only make charcoal burgers now. So whatever. I didn’t order a burger, but it just isn’t the same satisfaction I used to have there. And so it goes.
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December 4
A light pole fell down at a major local intersection overnight, closing it down for hours and causing a traffic nightmare for most of the day. We were literally the only people at car line in the morning because no one else could get there. I thought the school was closed. We had a plan to meet up for pizza after Christina’s dance class and then go pick out a Christmas tree, but Robin was in an epically bad mood and then Billy spilled her full glass of Dr. Pepper all over her at the table, so we decided to bag it. I still think that was a smart move.
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December 3
The exhaustion is palpable. The pharmacy FINALLY filled my prescription, so hopefully I start seeing improvement in the next day or two. In the meantime, I’m spending as much time with my eyes closed as possible.
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December 2
I am so frustrated with this one medication I take that is always a week delayed every month when I need to refill it. It literally lays me on my ass for days while I wait for it. Right now it’s been five days since I ordered it and it’s still out of stock. I can barely function. There really has to be a better way.
Year in Photos 